Losing a sister is bittersweet.

I lost my sister a few years ago and I still miss her so very much....I miss everything, I even have her e-mail on my contact list still, and her phone number on my cell that I will never erase. I don't have them in case I forget (I won't). I have them there so I can include her when anyone sends me stuff and asks me to send to 5 or 10 friends. I include Sheila because even though she isn't here, she can still be part of what's going on....I know, I know, it's not exactly normal, but it helps me feel close to her still, and I like that. I include her because she will always be part of my close 5 to 10 friends that I am advised to send this e-mail to so we can all partake in some good luck...
Sheila and I were only 15 months apart, and opposites in personality, but we had each other's backs and knew things about each other that no one else did or ever will. We had a bond because of our growing up together in the same room so close and our differences didn't really matter.. Maybe that's how she drove me so crazy at times, she knew all my strengths and weaknesses..she was afraid of nothing and I was afraid of everything...she could sleep through everything, but me, I needed a night light and even with the light, I was sure there was something under my bed, or worse, in the closet. Sheila would tease me about that, and at the time I would get mad at her, but when I think back now, I think maybe she just wondered why I was scared when she never felt that. EVER. Maybe she was trying to snap me out of it with her goofy teasing. I used to tease her back and say, "Are you human?" I did really wonder how she could possibly be afraid of nothing. How could she possibly fall asleep in 5-10 minutes after seeing the movie "Halloween", did we not see the same movie?? She could totally let go of it while I relived every scene ad nauseum as I tried to go to bed, and even the music did me in, couldn't get that out of my head either. I was jealous of her that she could just let go of it after seeing it and I would relive it for many nights....God, maybe I had OCD, is that it?? Who knows it was the 70's we didn't talk about why we couldn't sleep, nope we just sweated, put the night light on and put up with the teasing...I don't have that problem now, well that's not the total truth, I just don't watch certain movies okay for example (horror, devil themes, evil kids, zomby movies, evil kids in the corn, weird paranormal themes, weird dolls,  people walking like a spider, should I go on). Strangely enough I'm okay with really creepy movies if they have a rational explanation at the end. So if the movie is plausible and all the weird happenings can be explained and further if I can live with their explanations, if it makes sense to me, hey, it could happen, presto, I can sleep. Maybe it's being Catholic and growing up hearing all about good and evil, this made those devilish movies have a hint of truth to them and then having a friend say to me, "Don't invite the devil into your home", didn't help in my cause. Don't get me started on" the Exorcist". Okay time to change the subject because really, why go down this road and start thinking about this right before bed okay? Let that devil go bother someone else who's less vigilant.

Here's the funny thing...when we hit our twenties we sort of switched and Sheila did become afraid of things, where I finally, okay I compare myself to a chrysalis (can you tell I'm working in a kindergarten class), when I finally let go of things I was afraid of, the same things that held me back, and took off on my own, finally confident in myself and what I could accomplish.

Here's the rub, with Sheila gone it's just not the same when I accomplish something, anything, because she would always say something, not much (she wasn't big on complimenting) but she would say something funny or simple like "Way to go Con!" and I knew she was impressed. She didn't make a big show, although big shows are good with me as well, but that just wasn't her style.
So going through my life without my slightly older sister has made me appreciate all that is good, made all my daily grievances not matter, made me hold on to my family a little tighter (but not quite the choke-hold, so that's okay). It makes me know that when I get out of bed and put my feet down in the morning, I am grateful to be here another day. You gave me that gift. I sure do love you for that.
Here's to you Sheila. Know that every time someone passes me by wearing Patchouli, I'm giving you a great big hug (even though you weren't a hugger, that's just too bad)
Love yah
Con ♥